Countdown to Redundancy

So I wrote this article about Countdown to Infinite Crisis like, a month ago, and I never could do much with it that didn't sound exactly like 52 other online whiners, so I dropped it. Still, I purchased and read, then re-read the whole miserable thing, then wrote up a bunch of half-assed, half-focused "witty" observations. Never let it be said I let anything go to waste. Here then, are my unfocused, rambling half-thoughts about a subject everyone else has long since left behind.

The whole Monitor thread confused me beyond belief, especially with fifty-two of the fuckers running around, all looking alike, especially when part of the story hinges on their gradually differing appearances. The art varied from issue to issue, veering crazily between style and quality, until it became impossible to recognize any of the human characters let alone aliens who are supposed to look alike but sort of don't, and that's important to the plot. Were Bob and Solomon the same guy? I know there was the one guy who wanted to aggressively pursue and terminate reality-jumpers, and there was the other guy who opposed him, but eventually the Monitors all joined the violent crazy guy, and the other guy took off. Which one was Bob? There was a third Monitor, wasn't there? Mojo Nixon, or Nix Uotan or somethin'?

Ray Palmer gets further tortured, only to end up renouncing his ties to Earth and teamed with Donna Troy, which is actually a sort of torture in itself. All this would be much more impressive if coming attractions didn't show Donna with the Titans, Kyle with the Green Lanterns, and Ray Palmer with the new proactive, James Robinson written Justice League. So much for that team.

Lion Head Superman! It's all coming true !! Weisinger was Right !!!

Count me among the camp that sees no point in "darkening" Mary Marvel. But then , I've never been sold on the Marvel family in the DC Universe anyway. Jerry Ordway's Power of Shazam! was probably the best, and I followed it for most of its run, but even then it was an uncomfortable fit with the larger DCU. Mary's appointment and journey to evil did not engage, and felt like padding. And an excuse to have this young girl running around in a leather micro- miniskirt.

The Holly/Harley stuff seemed equally surplus. Their appearance seems to have been pointless. If nothing else, they should have kept the powers that the gods bestowed them, but instead they take a bus back to gotham. With Jason Todd, who also reverted to (stereo) type.

Then there was that whole Superman Prime/ Monarch /Super Army deal. That all came to a head when Superman Prime pulled open Monarch's armor, but what was the point? Apparently, and I had to get this from an online interview, that explosion blew up the one "perfect world" Earth that the armies tore apart, and made way for "the Great Disaster" Earth. The inclusion of Monarch, the Extremists, and Monarch's Countdown: Arena army was just carnage and filler, since DC apparently has no further plans for any of them.

Packed with pointless deaths, Countdown rarely satisfies!

Then, lest we forget, we had poor,poor Karate Kid, killed yet again to give birth to the Kamandi / OMAC universe. For awhile there, I thought that all these divergent paths were going to lead to Jimmy, Donna, Mary, et al to become the New New Gods, somehow, but I didn't expect nothing to happen. For the most part, these guys are headed back to their status quo, whatever that may be.

Top all this off with an out-of-left-field ending, and its one of the sloppiest reads I've seen. I can't really blame anyone but myself for buying this. It had Donna Troy in it, for God's sake; how much of a fucking sign post did I need? Like the rest of the marks, I'm bitching after DC got my $155 for this padded fiasco, so they totally win.

The Best Part.

We're still in the early days of comics-by-committee, but this second attempt suggested that maybe comics written by six guys and drawn by thirty may not be the best way to effectively deliver complex and nuanced storytelling. Who knew?

More Awful, Awful Iron Man Villains

I finally saw Iron Man, and yeah, it was great. I have nothing new to add to the rave reviews I've been seeing, but it was a high point in superhero film, fo' shizzle. Having seen the film, I assume that we'll get the Mandarin as the villain for the second installmen and..an...ZZZZzzzzzz....


Whuh! Sorry! I tend to doze off when discussing the Mandarin. Commentor "MrCanacorn" wants to see MODOK in the sequel, and brother, who doesn't? Maybe we'll get MODOK in the third installment, or in another Marvel movie. Anyway, we got several other great suggestions in the comments section of this post for awful Iron Man villains to appear (we hope not) in sequels. Think of them as Iron Man 7 villains, when Robert Downey Junior is long gone and we've got Ryan Seacrest as Iron Man. For example, the FREAK, SLASHER and FANGOR were also suggested:







Fangor was a stone demon summoned by a cranky old sorcerer named Mister Rasputin. The Freak was Tony Stark's friend Happy Hogan turned into a giant bald radioactive goober, and was part of a tradition of very generic Iron Man villains, as when Shellhead clashed with bald n' bland behemoths THE CRUSHER and QUASAR in issues 6 and 79. Slasher and his dalmatian spotted pal Demetrius are best left to Blockade Boy, who recently devoted an alarming amount of time to dissecting the Slasher/Demtrius "saga" panel by panel.

But that’s just the tip of the crappy villain iceberg. For all his longevity, Iron Man has a truly atrocious rogue’s gallery. His number one villain is the sleep-inducing Mandarin, followed by what, Spymaster? Crimson Dynamo maybe? Here are a few more low-lights from the Golden Avenger’s stupefyingly mediocre collection of foes:



No, this isn’t “Grraynne, the Silo That Walked Like a Man!”, but rather the DEMOLISHER, created by rival scientist Edwin Cord to improve on Iron Man. As an engineer, I feel obligated to point out that "improve" means to "make better". Not so much luck with that, then.



The UNICORN was pretty formidable, until unicorns became primarily associated with six-year-old girls. He hasn’t been seen in decades, and presumably has retired to bitter exile in a mushroom cottage in Rainbow Princess land, with his pony, Butterscotch.



That buzz-saw is actually the shape-shifting baboon member of the Super-Apes, attacking Iron Man while the super-strong gorilla and the magnetic orangutan hold him down. Is there anything about that sentence hat isn't awesome? The RED GHOST and his SUPER APES followed the Fantastic Four into space, passing through the same cosmic rays that mutated the FF. They later turned up to bedevil Iron Man, by which time Ivan Kragoff was in the full throes of Disco Fever, with his funky chest-baring silk shirt, studded belt, and outrageous golden disco medallion.

I could go on, but you get the point, I'm sure. Even Iron Man villains I like, like the Melter, the Beetle and Blizzard are generally just lightweight thugs and disgruntled inventors. I pray for MODOK leading a gang of those guys in a Marvel film, but I'm not holding my breath. They'll have to figure something out, because it looks like Iron Man will be around the theater for some time to come.

Iron Man 2 Villain Suggestions

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER

Marvel’s monster comics were winding down when Iron Man #101 was published, and the last thing Shellhead needed after a big hundredth issue showdown with the Mandarin was a confrontation with Frankenstein. They fought at first, in the Mighty Marvel manner, and then teamed up to fight the Dreadknight, who had kidnapped Baroness Frankenstein and taken over her castle. I am honestly not making this up. At least if they did use the big guy in Iron Man 2, he’d share a common foe with Abbott and Costello. What other Marvel movie hero can boast that?

BLACK LAMA

The Black Lama was actually Prince Jerald of Earth-7511, who had taken over leadership of the kingdom of Grand Rapids after the previous leader had been exiled for unspecified indiscretions. The pressures of leadership were such that he retreated to the Marvel Universe for a break, where he promptly went insane and started pitting super villains against each other in an attempt to find a worthy successor to his throne. Prince Jerald was essentially Gerald Ford of Earth-7511, an alternate world where America was called the Kingdom of Grand Rapids, and the exiled king was Richard Nixon, and Baron Rockler, who later showed up to war with Jerald, was Nelson Rockefeller. To be fair, if the real Watergate scandal had involved magic powers, super villains, and flying robot dragons, it would have been a lot more entertaining.

COMMANDER KRAKEN

Avast, me hearties, if pirates be popular now, think how much more popular they’ll be two years from now! If there’s any movie that couldn’t be improved by the addition of a jet propelled buccaneer, I haven’t seen it. Think how much better The Hours or House Party 3 would have been if there’d been a villainous techno-pirate threatening the cast. Marvel’s never been afraid to exploit a trend long after the general public has lost interest, so why should their movies be any different?

Things You Won't Be Seeing In IRON MAN: The Iron Mullet!

Tony Stark donned the Silver Centurion armor in Iron Man #200 ostensibly to upgrade before reclaiming Stark Enterprises from Obadiah Stane, the Iron Monger. I think he was just making room for his luxuriant comeback mullet:

"Wouldn't want to cage in a magnificent pelt like that, would we?" spits hateful old gray n' baldy. Here's another view of Stark's flowing raven locks:


He went around looking like this for quite a while, but I can't see Robert Downey Jr going along with a mullet. God, I hope not.

Things You Won't Be Seeing In IRON MAN: the Iron Nose

Another thing we probably won’t be seeing in any Iron Man movie is the infamous 70’s nose armor. Iron Man #68 saw Iron Man in pitched underwater battle with the Unicorn (who was actually the Mandarin, mind-switched with the Unicorn) when a blast shattered his plexiglass eye shields and he had to flee the battle, vowing to return! While supplementing his armor with new tricks and better waterproofing, he decided to add…a nose?!? Per Stark in that issue: “I'll finish the armor's changes with a slightly modified appearance…to allow a bit more expression to show, and so perhaps increase the fearsome aspects of my character to those who oppose me!" He then charged off to the next issue, and a showdown with the restored Mandarin.

The behind the scenes reasons for the change may have been pretty simple: Rumor has it that Stan Lee had recently asked Roy Thomas why Iron Man didn’t have a nose, and the editor sent down the order to give Iron Man a nose. It later developed that Stan had merely been commenting that the artist was drawing the mask in such a way that there was no room for a nose, and was suggesting that the panels be redrawn to show more helmet space at the nose area. I don’t know if that’s true, but I dearly hope so. The “Nasal Armor” widely reviled, lasted a few years, actually. Will it ever return? Who nose?

Things You Won't Be Seeing In IRON MAN: Obadiah Stane's "Costume"

I'm not sure how Jeff Bridges is going to play evil industrialist Obadiah Stane in the Iron Man movie, (though a veteran Marvel movie watcher suspects that Stane will be a father-figure to Tony Stark) but it’s a cinch he won’t be bare-chested, purple-caped, or have a gold, gem-encrusted belt. As of Iron Man #163 (1982), a shadowy man of mystery had been closing in on Iron Man and Tony Stark, attacking the Golden Avenger with the Chessmen while Stark was under seige financially and succumbing once again to the siren call of sweet, sweet liquor. DiscObadiah first showed his flamboyant, fabulous face in Iron Man #166, dressed like a typical 1980's corporate raider type:

Obadiah Stane: snappy dresser, or the snappiest dresser?

When he first appeared, Stane was leading a group of Scotsmen and dwarves dressed as chess pieces in an all-out chess-themed assault on Stark Enterprises. He did finally wrest control of Stark Enterprises from Tony, and started dressing normally from then until he donned the Iron Monger Armor in Ion Man #200. Stane also committed suicide in that issue, 25 years ago. This once obscure character has been elevated in importance for Iron Man's cinematic debut, but hopes for the DiscObadiah of old are dim.

The Eagle and Buddy the Daredevil Boy!

From Weird Comics #15, meet the Golden Age's shirtless anvil-smacker The Eagle and his Daisy-Duke clad teenage "ward" Buddy the Daredevil Boy. Another Obscure '40's misfit bound to be sumptuously painted by Alex Ross sometime in the next year or two, The Eagle soaked his cape in anti-gravitation fluid and took to the skies in pursuit of googly-eyed amputees, as you'll see when you read "The Beast and the Blindness Formula"

Right off the bat, I'm baffled here. If he pours the anti-gravity formula on his cape, shouldn't the cape just fly up by itself and, well, hang him? That would be cool.

Wealthy young scientist Bill Powers is apparently wealthy enough to have a big house, a butler, and a full-time rent boy, so he's probably just pissed that he didn't get in on some of that sweet blindness formula action for himself.

So the Eagle soaks his cape in anti gravity formula...before driving to the scene of the crime. No doubt sitting on the damp cape the whole way! Brilliant! Maybe he has to sit on the cape to keep it from flying off and strangling him...

Yeah, this one's for the ladies and some of the fellas. Feast your eyes on those pasty, doughy pecs and that rippling 1 1/2 pack! Duh-roool. Never let it be said that Again With the Comics skimps on the beefcake, folks!

Brace yourself for the greatest thing ever:

Wham! And so a doughball falls. It's surprising more villains didn't try hit and run, but then most superheroes -especially those named after fucking birds- would fly.

Bring out the Gimp:


The great thing about the Golden Age was that you could look like Marty Feldman with a garden rake for a hand, or be a bald jerk with a giant exacto knife for a prosthetic leg and be considered a major threat. Also, apparently having artificial limbs makes you EVIL.

"Let's see if you bounce!" Damn, that is cold-blooded. Uh, you know, that and the whole pitchfork-in-the-chest thing. It pretty much devolves into an orgy of pudgy shirtless violence from here on out, so I'll stifle it for now and let the story speak for itself:

Finally, finally, the Eagle sort of flies. More like "lunges" or "wafts', really. Ironically one good crack to the nut with an anvil is all it takes to put the Beast out of his misery. It's surprising really, just how many problems a well placed anvil blow can solve. But I digress...

There was actually a lot of crude charm in this goofy old strip, and I kind of liked it, for all I'm mocking it. The first page is credited to Lester Raye, but I can find nothing about him online, and my usual source for this sort of thing, the Grand Comic Database has nothing on him.

If This Doesn't Stop You, Nothing Will!

My Secret Lair

I know things have been kinda lean around here lately, folks, but the blog has taken a backseat for my latest project. Deep within the bowels of the Earth a new secret headquarters for combating evil worldwide is taking shape. Would you believe a grown ass man's room full of toys and funnybooks? About 15 years ago, I purchased a new mobile home (shut up) and had a roommate in one room and all my crap in the other. I kept my comics, my toys, my statues, and my Simpsons figures in there, along with a few bookshelves. Eventually, I got married, we had the boy, and we had to move into a house. The new house was bigger, but with an unfinished basement. My collections all ended up in storage, and I've longed to once again have one big room for all my wonderful, wonderful toys again. Over the last few weeks, thanks to the magic of equity, I'm getting my trophy room. The floor space will be family room, with grazing area fort the l'il maniac, of course, but the wall decor is gonna be 100% awesome. We've also been drowning in books, so I'm going to be moving my secret library of forbidden knowledge to the stronghold.

Posting may be sparser, but hey, I'm distracted. I've been doing a lot of the work myself, so its been pretty time consuming. I'll be posting pictures when it's all done, be assured.

The Best News Out of NYCC

I've been reading the news from the New York Comicon, and I didn't want to let this bit of good news pass by unremarked. The Gordon Lee case has been dismissed.

Got No PEP

I'm swamped, folks. The best I can offer are these wacky old PEP covers I dug up. I really like the cartooning in the older Archies, and these UFO and fantasy-themed covers from 1962 are pretty funny. Archie Comics was never shy about exploiting popular fads, and '62 was a year when futuristic and science-fictional concepts loomed large in the public consciousness, so a saucer invasion of Riverdale was probably inevitable. Plus ghosts.

Weird Mummy Detective Stories

A long forgotten Golden Age character, Ace Bandage: Mummy P.I. was the victim of a curse that bonded his form with that of an ancient Egyptian mummy; a mummy wrapped in Justice, as it turned out. A licensed investigator, Bandage conducted all of his cases from the confines of his wrappings and sarcophagus, wheeled around on a modified hand truck by his freakish and nauseating assistant Insidria Outre, the inside-out girl. Despite the seemingly universal appeal of a mummy wielding blazing .45's of vengeance, the strip only ran from Weird Comics issues 2-5, shedding readers at an historical rate before being cut to make way for the even more unpopular Hat Master: Master of One Thousand and One Hats.*







*Note: The preceding is bull shit. The Author is a drunk, and should be ignored.

Steve Ditko's Secret Invasion

As long as Marvel's being overrun with Skrulls, how about a look at an Atlas-era Secret invasion? I've been reading Marvel Milestones vol. 68, Atlas Era Tales of Suspense, and especially digging on the vintage Steve Ditko art in several stories. I haven't really given Ditko his props around here, but the man was a true great. His off-kilter and unique art style has been a constant in my comics reading career, and while I can't say I've loved everything he's done, I've greatly admired his work and career. I've noticed that you don't see many Ditko copycats among lesser artists, as the man's very personal style is daunting to duplicate. All that said, I do tend to prefer his earlier work, and consider his '50's and '60's work to be some of his best. Here then, is "I Am The Changing Man!", a tale of green-skinned shape shifters attempting a strategic infiltration of the human race!

So back to the Skrulls. I've noticed that the timing is right for the Dethians to be possible prototypes for the similarly green-skinned shapechanging Skrulls. In fact, I'll propose that the Dethians rethought their whole strategy, reinvented themselves, and became the much-better-named Skrulls, who attacked Earth next in Fantastic Four #2 (1962). Where they were...tricked into running away from comic book panels. Anyway, that's my theory.

"I Am The Changing Man!"
Originally printed in Tales of Suspense #8, March 1960
Script: Unknown, but c'mon...Ozak? Les Gage?? Gotta be Ditko...
Art: Steve Ditko

Totems: The Justice League of Dementia

Anyone remember Totems? A one-shot published by DC's Vertigo imprint, Totems was published in 2000, and was designed as a "reunion show" of sorts for Vertigo's earliest stars, most of whom were exports from the DCU. I find it interesting, as it is the closest Vertigo has come to having its own super-team.

The story is narrated by and focused on Bernie Madden, a nutty conspiracy theorist who begins the tale by sneaking into his old home to barge in on his ex and her new husband in their bed. Dave jumps out of bed, but Bernie pulls a gun and instructs the two to stay put. We learn that Bernie has been obsessed for years with strange phenomena and conspiracies, to the point that it ruined his marriage. Bernie explains that clues and sightings had led him to believe that things were building to a millennial event, and that he It wanted to have a ringside seat for the big event:

Bernie learned that John Constantine would be holding a New Years party with all his Vertigo pals, so he managed to get a gig as a waiter at the big bash. He attaches himself to a group of his idols, including Animal Man, Cliff Steele, Shade, and Black Orchid and proceeds to badger them with annoying questions while markedly not bringing them drinks. Constantine is spectacularly drunk nearby. Eventually, Swamp Thing arrives:

I don't really consider myself a Swamp thing aficionado, per se, but I do have the entire Alan Moore, Rick Veitch, and Mark Millar runs in my collection, so apparently I am a fan of the big guy. That said, I think his time in the Vertigo stable has long since expired. Swampy's been "dark horrored" to death, and should be returned the DC Universe ASAP.

Oh yeah, the story. Bernie somehow talks all these fantastically powerful beings into ringing in the new millennium by joining hands and bridging the elements:

Bernie's big hippy-dippy Y2K mind meld ends up going wrong, and as midnight and millennium arrive, the whole city before them is transformed into a nightmare of red skies, mystic pyramids, and time tossed future/past weirdness. In other words, just the ingredients needed for a super team origin:

This patchwork future turns out to be toxic to Swamp Thing, so Animal Man and Black Orchid set out to find and help him. Robotman and Shade stay behind to fight off the aliens and laser-wielding Egyptian warriors:

Totems is full of Cliff Steele being awesome. Morrison and Case's Doom Patrol is one of my all time favorite series, and his put-upon everyman Cliff Steele became a favorite character. It is also my humble opinion that Robotman was at his best when he was allowed to swear profusely.

Then we return to Swamp Thing, Black Orchid and Animal Man:

Animal Man was my introduction to Grant Morrison, and a great, mind-bending series it was. but after the switch to Vertigo, Morrison was long gone, and somehow, Buddy Baker became an eco-terrorist hippie anarchist, eventually turning into an animal monster, and...well, it was really weird, lets leave it at that. I was glad to see Animal Man returned to "normal". Of course, Buddy and Black Orchid soon figure out how to save Swamp Thing, and rejoin the others back in the city.

Long story short, Bernie was the problem all along. By plugging himself into the ceremony earlier, his obsessions became manifest and zapped New York with Vertigo blah-de-blah. Bernie was basically a colossal fuck-up, as we see, and became obsessed with the weird stuff almost immediately after his wife became pregnant. The UFO whackadoo lifestyle was his way of avoiding responsibility and change. The gathered elementals then join hands and fix the warped reality:

The crisis ends and the big players vanish back to their realms and lives. Mr. Steele, appropriately, gets in the last word:

Dave opens the window, and the world is normal. The millennium has come and gone, and Bernie has to face his failures. Bernie doesn't shoot anyone, and at the conclusion, he's decided to get a life. Given the unreliable narrator, we're left uncertain if any of this "really happened" but I have to wonder what would have happened if this issue had been a breakout smash hit. Would we have gotten a Totems ongoing? Or maybe they would have gotten a real team name, like "Absurdity Inc" or "The Impossibles".

These days, Vertigo has shed itself of most of these characters. Hellblazer continues uninterrupted, and every so often, they give Swamp Thing another go, but Animal Man, Robotman, and Black Orchid have returned to the DC Universe. Shade is nowhere to be found these days, but is probably due to be exhumed any time now.

Archie Versus Sanity

Archie Comics have spent the last sixty-whatever years cranking out tale after tale after tale of Archie and the Riverdale gang living their unchanging lives, endlessly attending Riverdale High, and generally doing the same 'ol shit they've been doing for centuries now. That's not to say they never get adventurous. Some of their more obscure spinoffs and licenses teeter on the very edge of madness.

Case in point: the Spire line of Archie Christian Comics. I've read several of these via the childhood friend I've mentioned before, and they are koo-koo. Whereas Archie and the gang never mentioned religion in the regular comics, in these, it's all they talk about. Well, via ham-handed parables, anyway. Add the overly effusive art of Al Harley, and these are downright surreal.

Of course, Archie has walked on the spandex side, as Pureheart the Powerful, an apparently popular subseries that started during the '60's camp craze and continues to this day:

I'm not sure why fad-chasing Archie Comics would want to rip off DC's perennially unpopular Challengers of the Unknown, but the evidence speaks for itself:

Then there are a few for which I have...no words. Super-Mister Weatherbee? The RC Dominator?? On the other hand, a gratuitous Abe Lincoln cameo is always welcome:

Finally, Archie and Jughead's strangest journey ever, the advent of middle Age. I saw "To Riverdale and Back Again" when it was on TV originally, and the main thing I remember was a whiny, nebbish of a divorced Jughead. It was pretty weird.

All covers culled from the Grand Comic Database.